Handing Back the Opportunity
Whether the issue is yours or theirs, this approach fosters connection, independence, confidence, and resilience. Identifying the Problem Problems that impact you as a parent may include: Disrespectful comments Avoidance or refusal to contribute (chores) and fulfil personal responsibilities. A pattern of disregarding limits and boundaries, Violating family values, Sibling rivalry, Leaving a mess or not cleaning up after themselves, Being late, causing you to be late and Screens impacting their presence, leading to disrespect or conflict.
Identifying the Problem
Problems that impact you as a parent may include:
- Disrespectful comments
- Avoidance or refusal to contribute (chores) and fulfill personal responsibilities
- A pattern of disregarding limits and boundaries
- Violating family values
- Sibling rivalry
- Leaving a mess or not cleaning up after themselves
- Being late, causing you to be late
- Screens impacting their presence, leading to disrespect or conflict
Problems that affect them may include:
- Anxiety
- Bullying
- Schoolwork and homework
- Being late to school
- Friendship issues
- Needing more money
- Wanting more freedom and independence
- Organising school, sports, and part-time jobs
- Poor sleep hygiene
When a pattern isn’t working for you, you can recognise it as a problem. How you address your own problems is a strong indicator of how you will help your adolescent navigate theirs.
What Not to Do
It’s crucial to separate the person from the problem. Neither you nor your adolescent is the problem, the problem is the problem. Identifying it is key. Avoiding shame, blame, fear, big emotions, and harsh tones will prevent disconnection and reinforce that they are not the issue.
A Healthy Approach
A healthier way to address problems includes:
- Empathy and understanding – You don’t need to agree, but you do need to listen.
- Curiosity and a calm, confident approach – This builds trust even in challenging situations.
Here’s how you can navigate this process:
- Recognise that both you and your adolescent are growing, which often requires stepping out of your comfort zone.
- Take time to process how the situation impacts you.
- Identify your values and clarify what needs to change.
- Seek to understand, reflect back your understanding, and clearly communicate your boundaries.
How to Start the Conversation
Once you’ve given your adolescent a couple of time options to have a discussion, begin with what you’ve noticed, what isn’t working, and what you need.
For example:
“I have noticed that when you stay up late watching shows or scrolling on your phone, we are constantly late for school. I am happy to drive you each morning, but I need to leave by 8:20 AM. After 8:30 AM, I won’t be available to drive you. What do you think is the problem? What do you think you might do? Would you like some ideas on how others navigate this? What do you think you need?”
Encourage problem-solving with confidence: “If anyone can work through this, I know you can.”
Setting Boundaries with Respect
- If there is disrespect, you can walk away.
- If their perspective differs from yours, step back and listen with curiosity, it’s just their current position.
- Observe how they navigate the situation and allow them the space to grow.
When an adolescent experiences a calm adult who is curious and sets firm yet fair boundaries, they begin to think for themselves or seek support. Either outcome is a sign of growth.
For more parenting resources, visit www.teachingkids.com.au.
