Giving Kids Choices Within Your Value System to Reduce Anxiety and Power Struggles
Are You Using Choices but Still Facing Resistance?
Giving kids choices within your value system can significantly decrease anxiety and minimise constant power struggles. However, if you’ve been implementing choices and still experiencing pushback, protests, and dismissals, it may be time to refine your approach.
Here are some key strategies to try from a calm, non-anxious perspective:
1. Offer Choices Before Resistance Begins
You can provide choices in nearly every aspect of your child’s daily routine, including:
- Morning routines
- After-school activities
- Evening routines
- Schoolwork
- Bedtime routines
- Screen time
- Meals
- Household responsibilities
Start by identifying one area where you’d like to see improvement. Then, list all the choices you can provide to help reduce anxious resistance in that specific area.
2. Example: Brushing Teeth
Instead of demanding compliance, offer structured choices:
- “Do you want to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes?”
- “Do you want to put the toothpaste on yourself, or would you like me to do it?”
- “Do you want to start with your top teeth or bottom teeth?”
- “Would you like me to help now or in a minute?”
3. Encourage Independence While Providing Support
Ask your child or adolescent:
- “Would you like some help with this, or do you want to do it alone?”
- Let them know when you’re available to assist.
- For younger or anxious children, break tasks into manageable steps.
- Ask: “Would you like to start with this part or that part first?”
4. What If They Still Resist?
Your ‘I’ position is incredibly powerful.
- If they say, “I’ll do it after…” but fail to follow through, stay firm.
- Confident ‘I’ position’ responses:
- “I am happy to take you (or do this for you) once this is done.”
- “We can do it together, or you can do it alone.”
- If they continue protesting, avoid engaging in the power struggle.
- Instead, respond calmly and confidently:
- “What did I say? Love you too much to argue.” Then walk away.
When kids experience a calm, strong ‘I’ position’, it builds security. They learn that their parent has clear boundaries and expectations
Want More Support?
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Let’s work together to create a calm, structured approach to parenting that empowers your child while maintaining your values.
