Giving kids choices within your value system decreases anxiety and constant power struggles.
Have you been using choices and still finding that your kids are resisting—leading to power struggles caused by protest, pushback, or dismissal?
Here are some great tips to remember and experiment with, all from a calm, non-anxious presence:
Key Strategies
1. Give Choices Before Resistance
Choices can be incorporated into most situations, including:
- Morning routines
- After-school activities
- Evening routines
- Schoolwork
- Bedtime routines
- Screen time
- Dinner
- Household contributions
Think of one area where you would like to see a change. List all the choices you can offer to break down the anxious resistance in that specific area.
Example: Brushing Teeth
Here’s how you can provide choices to make the process easier:
- When? Do you want to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes?
- How? Do you want to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush, or should I do it for you?
- Where to start? Do you want to start on your top teeth or your bottom teeth?
- Timing? Do you want me to finish brushing your teeth now or in a minute?
Ask the child or adolescent:
- Would you like help with this, or do you want to do it alone?
Let your child know the times you are available to assist.
Breaking Down Overwhelm for Younger or Anxious Kids
For a younger or anxious child, break tasks into smaller steps.
For example:
- Ask if they’d like to start with this or that first.
- Check if there’s anything they need to do or prepare to begin the task.
What If They Still Don’t Respond?
Your ‘I’ position is very powerful.
- Have you been told, “I’ll do it after…” but it doesn’t happen?
- Use a confident ‘I’ position:
“I am happy to take you (or do this for you) once this is done.”
“We can do it together, or you can do it alone.”
Responding to Protest
If or when protest arises, avoid engaging in a power struggle. Instead, respond confidently:
- “What did I say? I love you too much to argue.”
- Then, calmly walk away.
When kids hear a calm, strong ‘I’ position, it builds security:
- “My parent has limits, and these are the boundaries.”
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